When Grief Creates Growth

Mother’s Day is right around the corner. For years it’s been a usual time of grieving for me. Now it seems to have brought deeper personal growth. I invite you into a journey that’s turned into joy and more purpose.

A few months ago, I was asked to speak to a group of entrepreneurs on growing a solid business. After speaking, I opened the floor to questions. I chose not to hold anything back that could create value. Just as the first question hit, I thought perhaps I should run. Instead, my heart urged me to share. Deeply. Perhaps uncomfortably for some. It was cathartic just as much as the process of grieving had been.

I’ve always been an overcomer.

I’ve overcome being broke and weighing more than most high school football players. I’ve overcome university politics and autoimmune disease. Truth is, I’d overcome most everything but giving birth.

Through unsuccessful IVF treatments, I considered myself privileged to have had the option. Through several adoption fly-bys that went awry, the gnawing, unsatisfying, raw emotions plagued me; especially in May. On Mother’s Day I’d skip church so not to cry as beautiful, brave mothers would stand and be honored. On Mother’s Day I’d ask my supportive husband to wisk me away so I could cry unnoticed by my own mother, friends and family. You see, grief for a normally joyous person is like hell on earth.

This past January a gift came to my house.

She’s AnaKarla, the daughter of our friend, Jorge. She asked me to play a game. I agreed. I was supposed to think of a famous person and the computer would offer a range of yes or no questions to discover what famous person was on my mind. Albert Einstein. Check! First woman in Space, Sally Ride. Check! Latino Crooner, Luis Miguel. Check! Martin Luther King, Jr. Check! And then, there was Mother Theresa. What?! NO CHECK! She was deemed irrelevant because I refused to acknowledge her as childless. For indeed she was a great mother amongst children! This infuriated me! The computer game could not recognize her. #@!*&^:<@(*)`!!! How could a game revoke the “motherhood” of Mother Theresa? And there it was. Truth. The truth I had hungered for, and the first time I realized that the grief I had been holding onto truly needed to go! I was allowing it to stay when there was no further reason to grieve.

If I could allow Mother Theresa to be a mother, why could I not be a “mother”? It was time to reframe how I perceived myself.

About that time my husband, Daniel, and I were leaving on a 3 month sabbatical from the norm. We’d be living in Mexico. My plan was to expand the way I conduct business and work on becoming more “motherly”. I didn’t know how exactly it would all show up. I simply took steps, baby steps. I called up my trusted friend at Children’s Hunger Fund. I asked if we could get involved in their work in Mexico. Turns out there was no coverage in that area for orphanages or foster homes. The need became clear. Over the next 3 months I searched out, and worked with beautiful volunteers and organizations to address the needs of the children. It was life altering.

When I returned home, I received a greeting card.

I thought it to be an Anniversary card. It wasn’t. This card was different. It profoundly touched me. It was a Mother’s Day card. When I saw it, I began to sob uncontrollably. The remainder of the grief escaped as I began to understand how deeply my being as a person matters. To my parents. To children. And yes, the world! I finally agreed that I matter with or without bearing children. Breathe in. Breathe out. I matter and my work is life changing. The card simply read, “Happy Mother’s Day! It’s also for those special women who love with a mother’s heart. For the love, caring and kindness you bring to everyone blessed enough to be part of your life. (More tears, but tears of joy and relief, tears of being deeply loved and accepted.) It was signed, “We are so blessed by your life. We love you. Janny (my mom’s nickname) & Daddy” (because he’s still daddy to me). A day later, I received a text from my friend Sherry, “Happy Mother’s Day friend! You have the heart of a mother”. The wave of heavy grief lifted. I was ready to take on the world again!

Purpose.

Grief brings growth and a deeper sense of purpose. If we allow it. My work is more meaningful. I dare to dream big again, I dare to stay connected with the causes I know will “mother” children in need. And, I dare to be a working mother.

Goodbye tears- cuz ain’t nobody got time for that! Hello purpose! Deep soul-moving purpose. Purpose that surpasses sorrow. Purpose that lives to better tomorrow.

Here’s a picture of what moved me forward. These are some of the precious kids whose life journey pulled me from a pit of grief.

How about you? Ever left behind a deep grief into greater purpose? What moved you forward?